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I can solve all of Huntington’s woes with one simple word: Slogan. We got trouble, right here in one of the River Cities. I’m talking
about Trouble in Huntington! Trouble, my friends, with a capital T. But not to fret my friends, for I can solve Huntington’s trouble
with a wave of my hand. I came to this conclusion while studying at the
Gary Conservatory, Class of ’73. Gather ‘round folks, gather
round. Now I know we have some terrific things going on in Huntington, wondrous
things, marvelous things. We’ve got Pullman Square, we’ve
got Ritter Park, we’ve got Marshall University. But you know what we AIN’T got? There’s something missing.
Something all the major cities in the country have. And you don’t
want to be left behind do you? Well, of course not! You know what Huntington
needs? A slogan! Yes, friends, a slogan. A slogan sums up what your city is all about.
It entices new businesses, lures tourists and instills throbbing pride
in its residents. Think about some of the great cities that are on the
“grow” these days: Las Vegas: “What Happens Here Stays Here.”
Chicago: “The Windy City.”
Hershey, Pennsylvania: “The Sweetest Place on Earth.”
Atlantic City: “Always Turned On.”
And, of course, New York City, who has not one, but two great slogans:
“The Big Apple” and “The City That Never Sleeps.” You see, friends? These slogans make outsiders say “Hmmm, wonder
what that’s all about? I think I want to move my family, store or
plant there.” It makes the residents say: “This is the best place on the planet.
I never want to leave.” And Huntington doesn’t have one. I checked the official website,
and if it’s on there, I couldn’t find it. So step right up, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages because
I, Professor Clint McElroy, have slogans galore. I’ve got slogans
that will make corporations immediately close shop and look for empty
store fronts for their new Huntington location. I’ve got slogans
that will make young families jump on MapQuest for driving directions
to that wonderful city on the Ohio River built by Collis P. Huntington. Ahhh, I see some of you are doubters, nay-sayers and pooh-pooh-ers. Let
me give you a few samples of the delicious slogans I have in my vast inventory: “Huntington: With More Wal-Marts Than Any Other City Around!”
“If you’re HUNTING for a TON of things to do, try HUNTING-TON!”
“Was Your City Built By A Billionaire Railroad Magnate? Ours Was!”
“Huntington: Think What We Could Do If the Legislature Gave Us the
Kind of Money They Give Charleston!”
“Huntington: We’ve Got More Orange Traffic Barrels Per Square
Mile Than Any City In the World!”
“Huntington: Go Ahead And Make Fun of the Superblock Now, Wise-Guy!”
“Huntington:TheHomeof Beloved DJ, Magazine Columnist, and All-Around
Great Guy…” Okay, so I thought I’d slip that one by you when you weren’tpaying
attention. I mean, who thought you’d still be reading this thing? See what I mean? Huntington needs a catchy slogan! So why not send me
your suggestions? You can send them to Clint McElroy,
c/o Huntington Quarterly,
P.O. Box 384,
Huntington, WV, 25708, or you can e-mail them to mail@huntingtonquarterly.com
since Publisher Jack Houvouras is too cheap to give me my OWN e-mail address. So come on friends, let’s make this slogan thing happen and usher
in a new age of prosperity in Huntington! |
